It is complicated and many people wouldnt understand and some just might. I know the truth and thats all that matters.
It started almost 5 years ago. I was on yahoo playing canasta. We were playing 4 players all of whom I had never played with before. This Australian man and I hit it off. We became canasta partners meeting almost everyday online to play cards.
This man's name was John. He became a very important part of my life. My husband and I were starting to become distant. We had been trying to have a baby and he wasnt very enthused or supportive on that topic. I wanted it more then he did. You would have to know my ex husband to truely understand.
Anyhow John became my out. He became my sounding board, he listened to me and he was always there being supportive. He helped me with the health issues, gently reminding me of the things I needed to focus on. He helped me when I was feeling down and he never let me feel ugly or stupid. John became my reason for getting up in the day for the nights of rest reassuring me that everything would be ok. John became my strength and my support when I just didnt have it. He tried to give me ideas how to keep my marriage working but I soon learned it had to work both ways. I could do and be everything I had to but unless my husband was going to recriprocate it would do no good.
I finally on my own made the decision that I wasnt happy. I confront my husband one day after work. I dont think I will ever forget that day as long as I live. And although I said I would work on us I was certain it was over but i still went to counselling to see what we could do.
Ok back to John after all he is why Im typing this. John was 43 he had three grown kids and a great job. The age made no difference to us. Almost two years after we started talking and playing cards together, my marriage fell apart, and I found a new best friend thousands of miles away. There is alot of history during those two years. Lots of voice messages on the computer, phone calls and emails and talk on messenger. We also had web cams so there were no secrets.
I told John that I was leaving my husband. John confessed to me that he loved me and he had since the first day we talked. I was shocked but releaved because I to had felt the same. I asked why John hadnt told me before. he said because he didnt want me to leave my husband for him he wanted me to make the decision for myself, because it was right for me and me alone. From that day on we had made plans, John was coming to visit, it was now october and we were planning for him to arrive a year in february.
This was going to be a long wait but one well worth it. we had convinced ourselves if we could make it through that wait then we could make it through anything. John and I talked on the phone almost every day sometimes twice a day from October till Feb.
We had planned on me moving to Australia, we even planned our wedding. I wanted something simple on the beach at sunset. Plan was to live here in the summer and Australia in the winter. this way we never have to deal with cold weather. I had a job here that I could work around and I was offered a job in Brisbane Australia.
In Feb my life fell apart. One morning I woke up in cold sweat, in a panic, something felt wrong. I called John, his ex wife answered. "Hi Gynet?" I asked. "No" was the response. "Vicky?" "Yes" Vicky new about me and I about her. "Where is John?" "John died two days ago" I wasnt sure what I heard and asked again and again I got the same answer "john died, he had a massive heart attack and died" My world fell apart and a piece of me died in those 30 seconds.
I still didnt believe it. I had one of my friends from australia call. Trevor was from the same city and has the same accent and could pretend to be John's friend and he to go the same answer.
Trevor sent me the obituary.
I have never been the same, Its been almost two years and I feel like I have been sleeping. I still log on the computer expecting him to be there and expecting to hear his voice and see the nick names that he used to call me. I have not had the strength to type them as I have not seen those words since he typed them. I feel like he was my one true love, something pure and untainted.
I know I love Jim, but a part of me will always love John. This doesnt mean I cant give Jim my all, but there is a special memory I have for John. I think of him every day, Somedays more but never less then once a day. I miss him more then I ever thought I could.
I will say this out loud as I believe he is here with me. I LOVE YOU JOHN and MISS YOU EVERY MINUTE OF EVERY DAY!
Yesterday ||Tomorrow