Since my seperation I have some what kept tabs on how my ex is doing and what has been going on in his life through his online diary. I once received an email from him inviting me to visit his site whenever I felt like it. I visited once in awhile, often I would go months without checking it as it just wasnt important. My checking his site had little to do with him and more to do with me. Our marriage ended with so many open doors and yet I was never able to walk through. There were alot of unanswered questions and alot of questions that were unable to be asked. At the time I was hoping to gain insight as to what and why things happened, without his knowing. For to show him would be to show I was weak. I've always felt like I had to show I was strong independant and didnt need anyone. To show him I was having problems would be admiting to myself and to my ex and his friends that I needed them and I didnt want to need anyone. I also was not prevy to how my ex had felt about how things happened.
I will also note that at one point I was privy to his email. I didnt purposly do this but once it happpened the first time I just couldnt help myself to looking again. I found what he had been telling people about me and most of what was said was untrue oe exhagerated. I eventually confronted him on this and told him what I had done and read. At no time did I send out emails from his account or do anything wrong with his account.
I am writing this in a partial response to an entry he has made on his diary entry. I did not realize that he had been reading my diary and a few days ago I found that both he and his new girlfriend found my diary and was hurt by a particular phrase. Purhaps I shouldnt have written what I did, however I can not take it back. In all honesty I thought I had locked the diary so that people could not read it. This diary was meant as an outlet for me to vent my feelings however right or wrong. I assumed it was a safe place. Unfortunately I was wrong and an innocent person was hurt. I am sorry that someone got hurt, really was not my intention.
On another note I am taking this opportunity to say a few things that I have not said in the past. My ex has used his diary to talk about me in the past,he has made small comments to which I have never replied. Really it wasnt worth the effort, now I feel it may be a good time as I am in a better place emotionally to say what I need to and move on. After this entry I will no longer visit my ex's journal as I have no need or desire to know what is happening in his life.
My ex makes the past year sound like it was difficult dealing with me. Yeah I checked his email and an ex boyfriend sent him a message on a personal dating line which had nothing to do with me. I had pointed out to my boyfriend at the time who my ex was and the boyfriend did the rest without me knowing. If it happened a second or third time it was not of my knowledge.
My ex also makes it sound like he has done me a favour regarding the divorce settlement when in actuallity he got off lucky. So what? I got the house there wasnt much equity in it. I also did not ask for support or any of his benefits through work. I could have gotten alot more but I didnt ask for it or want it. I thought fair was fair. Truth be known I have put more money into the maitenance of the house then what his share would have been if I bought him out or if we sold the house. It was also only fair that I keep the house as he didnt really want the house. The purcahse of the house was me dragging him through the actions like I usually had to do. I wanted the house and I took care of it. I made all the bill payments and made sure that anything that needed to get done got done. Since my ex moved out, the house has been painted the basement has been completely gutted and redone and there is a new front door on the house.
As for purposly upsetting my ex that is untrue. First off, married almost 4 years didnt know he was capable of that emotion and secondly I didnt think he read my diary I thought it was locked.
I've never had any harsh under tone to our discussions. Ive never had ill thoughts towards him, maybe I didnt understand how or why things happened or were happening but I was never pissed off at him. He talks how I have asked his advice which is true but he forgets to mention that when he called looking for my doctors name for his girlfriend I promptly and gladly called him with all the info he needed. I have updated him on his mail and taken it to him along with forgotten items I have found of his around the house. Gladly I turn them over to him. So I cant be all that horrible.
Now for my fav part of all this. My ex claims that he has always been there for me if I needed to talk. He may have said this to me in the past. However he was never there for me during our marriage he has never given me any reason to trust him with my emotions why should I feel comfortable to talk to him now. He woudlnt talk to me when we were trying to work things out, he wouldnt explain his feelings then, why would I want him to explain now. At the time he offered his services I was not in a good frame of mind. If only he really knew how my life has been the past 2 years he would be shocked. This past year I have rebelled and done a few drastic things. Some of which I am glad did not turn out the way I planned.
When he left so did my friends I was left with nothing except the house. I had no one to lean on no one to talk to, it was tough real tough and he never and none of his friends ever called to make sure things were ok. I could have been dead in a gutter and no one would have been the wiser or would have cared. He also claims his new girlfriend has wondered out loud if we would ever be friends. The simple answer to that is no. Not because I wouldnt want to but because it wouldnt be allowed. TO be friends we have to be introduced. I have been cut off from everyone and everything there is no possible way to be friends.
I have finally reached a place in my life where I am content with what has happened and how it happened. I ended the relationship for the both of us and it was the best thing for the both of us. I really wasnt given any other options but im glad I did it. I have no open chapters in my life anymore. There are some questions unanswered but thats life. Life does not give the answers to all questions it a liearning process a journey. If we were given all the answers we wouldnt learn anything from this adventure we call life. Im glad I wasnt given all the answers, Ive learned alot about who I am and what Im capable of and I like what I see and who I have become.
My ex's girlfriend can claim that she has been patient through the seperation mess but she really didnt have a choice. I dont see what she has had to be patient about. Not like she lost out on anything. Dealing with the seperation issue is what comes with the territory when you date a man in the middle of a divorce. I have never been rude to her on the phone or nasty to her in any way. Except for a previous entry on here and I have already addressed that. I was more pissed off by the way things were done on new years eve. More so the ex friend, all I can say is my ex oughta be careful regarding that friend. That friend really is not a true friend, I learned the hard way but my ex must learn on his own. The one thing I dont understand is that she indicates that some things I say or do contradicts what I actually feel. However her and I have NEVER talked have NEVER met so how does she know what I actually say or do. As far as Im concerned and from what I have learned. My ex doesnt seem to tell the whole truth at times or what he experiences and how he perceives things are completely different. I think about how he was with me and the things we did together. When I read what he writes about and how he perceived things when we were married they are completely different. LA should be aware of this fact. What he may have told her about me probably is not 100% accurate. Therefore she has nothing else to compare it to. She has no right to make any judgements about me and even if she does there is no ground and no merit for those judgements.
I can say one thing. LA is pretty lucky to come along when she did as I can see that my ex has changed. I remember a quote he made when we went to counselling "I am happy with who I am and if I have to change to make her happy I will let her go" Just from the entries I have read he has changed I guess he grew up and saw that in order to make a relationship work he could not repeat what he did with me.
I guess you can say I finally get it. A year of counselling and I finally get that I did not fail. The person who needed to change did, not because I wasnt good enough but because he realized he would not be happy and would not make a relationship work unless he did. So to LA your lucky I know this for sure because he stood by yourside when I made an attacking remark. He would never have done that in the past. Not once did he ever stand by myside and back me up. Even a few months ago I would have been hurt by thinking this, "why couldnt he be like that for me". It wasnt that he couldnt be like it for me because of who I was, but because of who HE was at the time.
After this entry I will not longer INTRUDE on your lives. Although there will be a few times in the coming up months that we will have to come into contact to sign divorce papers which Im expecting to get in July.
Hope all goes well and both of you have a happy and healthy baby. As my ex would know that is still a little bit of a sore topic with me considering everything. None the less the baby deserves two happy parents who love each other.
Finally its said and done and hopefully that gives a little more insight into who and what I am about, and the crap I have had to deal with. Not just the crap that my ex has dealt to me but the crap I have dealt to myself.