2004-04-14 - 2:46 p.m.

Three big words
Two days past, and I didnt even write an entry. Did you guys miss me or what?

My hockey pool isnt going so bad. There is about 1200 people in it and I fluctuate between the 120 and the 150 spot. Thats not so bad. Hopefully with my next round picks it will go a little better for me. Way to go Belfour got me 10 points with his 2 shutouts. THE MAN on the other hand, is not doing so hot in his hockey pool, but then he has bigger things to worry about.

THE MAN was at work last night till 1am, yep and he was supposed to be off at 5pm. This is after putting in several hours on Good Friday which he was not supposed to be at work but he had to be. Not bad for someone who apparently isnt committed to his job. Yep can you believe his boss went to him and told him he had to decide whether or not he was committed to his job. This was after he had taken time off work because he was very sick. This place does not treat him or any of the other workers very good at all. Hence why such the big turnover rate at that company. Needless to say he is looking elsewhere for a job, and he is just buying his time where he is for now.

Then there is me, still not working because of my back, this is now going on 5 months. My back hasnt gotten any better in the past month or so but it hasnt gotten any worse. Still not well enough to go to work however. Last night I thought I was going to vomit because my back hurt so much. I couldnt sit straight and I couldnt slouch, walking was damn near impossible, everytime I moved my right leg it was if someone was sticking me with a knife in my back. Its not funny but is sorta, picture this person walking like quasie moto, dragging my leg behind me because if I tried to follow through with my leg, I was in agony. I got home took some flexoril. One of my readers suggested for me to be careful with the flexoril as it could knock me out. HMMMM I wish that was so. It really did nothing for me last night. I finally went to bed took some other drugs read for about 15 minutes then fell asleep. My specialist appointment is on the 27 so I will keep you posted as to what the findings are.

Everything else is about the same, except, I should be looking for a roommate, but I am still holding out that THE MAN will move in.

There are many reasons why he wants to move in and just as many reasons why he doesnt. Most of which has to do with fear, fear of repeating the same mistakes and destroying what we have built. I on the other hand am confident that, this fear would not come true. THE MAN on the other hand does not have the confidence that he would not hurt me. We had a long talk the other night and I came to this relization that I am enabling him. He hadn't thought about it that way and was surprised when I said it. Then he said I was to smart for my own good. He also blamed my therapist (in a good way). I told him that I cant see her for over a year and learn nothing. You see THE MAN stays at my house about 6 of 7 days. If you were to average it out since christmas he has spent no more then 10 days at his house. I dont have a problem with this. I actually love him staying here. I sleep better with his hot body in my bed next to me. However I said to him "Why would you want to move in with me when right now you have your cake and your eating it to." He said "What are you talking about?" I explained to him, "Dont get me wrong I love that your here but I am enabling you to not move in with me. Why would you want to move in and give up your security blanket? (ie: apartment), when you basically live here anyways knowing that you still have a place to run to if it gets to hectic. By me wanting you here so much, you have no reason to WANT to move in." He was shocked that I said it and surprised at how true it was. "I didnt mean it to be that way, I'm sorry, I didnt even see it like that, but I think your kinda right."

"I KNOW I AM" I said crying, wishing I wasn't. THE MAN has never SAID the three big words. Its not that he doesnt feel it, its just how he was raised, they aren't warm fuzzy people, they arent touchy feely and they dont express themselves. I can't expect him to change for me and we discussed this.

"I go on blind faith, hope and trust all I have is my trust in how you feel. You do little things that show me how you feel and I trust that I am perceiving them the way they are meant to be but thats all I have to go on. You on the other hand should have no doubt how I feel. You know that I would do anything for you....You know that I love you, I say it I show it and I am sure you feel it. All I have is trust, trust in you and how you feel. I have never asked you to say it. I never will, All I can do is trust you feel the same." As much as he wanted to he couldnt say the three words "You know I care, I care very very deeply for you and I would do anything for you. I think I show you that." THE MAN says as he takes my hands and pulls me closer. We are both in tears. "I know you do and I trust that you do but more often then not thats all I got is trust, it just shows you how much I trust you, you dont have to tell me I just know it and trust it...........(whisper) but doesnt mean I dont like to hear it once in awhile" I look up at him and smile with my little giggle. "Your impossible sometimes!" "YEP thats me Miss Impossible....but thats what you like about me" "Yeah Yeah whatever, now get going to bed Ill be there in a minute" As he nudges, and starts closing down the computer.

One of our more memorable emotional conversations, they don't happen very often but when they do they can be very emotional and you can feel the tension leave the air.



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