2004-06-25 - 12:04 p.m.

Feelings Journal
Finally after about 8 trys I am able to post an entry. Well this is my first feelings journal so as with anything the first time it is a little rough around the edges.

How I'm feeling, well as opposed to 30 minutes ago I'm feeling better. I am frustrated as hell with almost everyone in my life. Which unfortunately for me isnt my friends as I do not have many relationships with people at the moment other then my physio team. My boyfriend is good and seems to be the only person who consistently listens to me.

I go to physio and everyone asks how I am. DO you ever notice people asking you how you are not because they really want to know but because that is what is expected of them. "Hey Joe how you doing?" not "Hey Joe I dont really want to talk to you but Ill be nice and make small talk anyhow" Do you really think the person cares how your doing? Probably not to him it doesnt matter how your day is. I feel the same way at physio.

I walk in and they are all happy cheerey and are like "Hey Barb how you doing?" am I really expected to say "Shitty everything is crappy, im miserable, depressed frustrated and no one listens to me" You can almost picture the look of fear in their eyes like now what am I supposed to say. SO I spare everyone and say what is expected "Fine and yourself?"

I try to explain everything to them in terms they would understand but it seems that isnt possible. Im beyond pissed off, I'm feelign like some mechanical robot doing as everyone says when they say it and how they tell me to do it. Does it really matter that im having a shitty day and everything hurts...no cause they make me do it anyways. Love their way of saying you do it all just take it in little pieces. Do 5 minutes rest 5 minutes and continue. All I see is prolonging the inevitable. It is still gonna hurt, it is still gonna hurt to the same degree only Im drawing out the inevitable. It like taking off a band-aid do you really want to take it off little by little or do you want to just rip it off and get it over with?

I just dont get them. I feel like ripping my hair out they dont listen NO ONE listens to me. I feel like im screeming but in a soundproof room. I have good days and bad days. Today for the most part was a good day. I had energy, I finally slept, and i was in relatively low pain, about a 3 the least amount of pain i have ever been in. SO I am anxious to get it over with. I also tell them I can do more today, I want to do more but also explain to them that because I can do more today doesnt mean I can do that all the time. I try to co operate with them and not be difficult but no they dont let me do more. and then days im sore they push me beyond. They make no sense.

Today I was doing my weight. Its a milk crate with long handles on the side. I put a 5 lb weight inside and Im supposed to carry it to the other side of the room and back. Then I put it on the shelf at waist height and then put it on the floor back to waist and then to shoulder and back to waist, I do all that once. I tell them I can do more but no they dont let me. They think I have inproved and I am like no.....I could have done all that last week or the week before If I paced myself like you said to do but you dont let me. My degree of pain and strength has not improved at all. I still have good days and bad days same as before. In fact I think my bad days now are really bad and the good days are really good I just don have anything in between the two.

So the long and short of it is Im pissed off frustrated and feel like Im jumping through hoops for everyone. WSIB just sees me as a number, they dont know me or who I am and what Im about. Im a number and because I dont have an injury they can see they figure Im scamming the system so Im playing by their rules which isnt fun. Work sees me as an invaluable employee cause I cant do my job efficiently.....Physio well im just another case for them to tape up lecture to and be sent on my merry way. The only person that see really what I go through on a day to day basis is THE MAN and I'm afraid sooner or later he is goign to have enough of all this. I guess you can say for my first feelings journal it was a good one. I dont see much changing between now and who knows. I was excited that i only hace 4 more days left of this stupid program but physio tells me that most people get 12 weeks and that the only start you off with 4. SO now im like OMG I cant do this anymore.



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