2005-09-18 - 7:56 p.m.

This weekend.
The past couple days have been crazy.

Yesturday THE MAN and I got up at a good time, had breakfast together and then he went to a golf tournament. Yep he did and for anyone in the Ottawa area you know it pissed down rain all day. I made sure he took an extra set of clothes to change into after golf. While the man was at golf I got ready and went to my appointment. Well ok it wasn't really an appointment. I had a project to do for school, part of the project was to attend an AA meeting. I had to write a paper on my feelings and how I felt about going to the AA meeting before actually going and then going to the AA meeting discussing in my paper what went on at the meeting and then lastly discuss what type of feelings I walked away with. It was a very interesting assignment. This is what I wrote.

"When I first saw the assignment, that I had to attend an AA meeting, I thought what in God�s name for? As it was explained in class and as I attended other classes over the past few weeks it became apparent that if I am to be successful in this course, and if I am to truly help those in need then I have to be aware of who I am, where my hang ups are and what my true feelings are towards people who have various issues. I called the AA office to find out where there was a meeting and when, in my area. As I was dialing the number my heart started to pound. Why should I feel anxious or nervous? The only thing I could come up with was that �What are these people going to think of me?� As I talked to the man the anxiety dissipated and I was no longer nervous. Before attending the meeting I again became somewhat anxious, nervous and frightened. I feel like all my life I have been judged, I was bullied, teased and tortured because I was different, because I wasn�t the norm. I was having somewhat of a panic attack worrying that I wouldn�t belong and for once I knew that was right, I didn�t belong but what would the others think? All my life, I have worried what others thought about me and again this came out. I could understand how an Alcoholic would or could feel shameful. I am not an alcoholic but I felt shameful, worrying what people would think and worrying what if there was someone there that I knew. I had fear of the unknown; things were out of my control which is something that I rarely give up freely. I feel that because of what I have lived through I know what it is like to be judged for things you can�t control. This brings me to my greater sense of understanding of how an alcoholic would feel admitting to their addiction and then seeking help. It must be difficult and difficult would not be a strong enough word to describe it. I don�t know if there is a word in the English language that could describe the enormous amount of guilt, shame and regret that an alcoholic would feel once they admit to themselves they had a problem and then tried to deal with it head on.
I attended the AA meeting on Sept 17, 2005 at 2:30pm The meeting was an open discussion speaker meeting located on the corner of Bank and 1st Avenue, 174 First Avenue to be exact. When I arrived I was greeted by a very nice young man. He introduced himself to me and me to him. I asked him if I was in the right spot and he assured me that I was, and then gave me directions up the stairs to the room. As I walked into the room I was greeted by yet two other men. I started to feel like I was going to be out numbered by men and wondered if any women will be attending. Another guy �Brad� gave me a booklet with all the dates and times of meetings and even went through and told me which ones would be good for me to go to. There is one in Orleans that is mostly women which would be good for me to attend. Although awkward because I didn�t want to say I was there for a school project and then make them feel awkward I just went along with the situation, after all I was there to gather information, if not for myself then I have gathered information that I could pass on to friends, or potential future clients. I had heard about meetings, I had seen them on TV but wasn�t sure how accurate they were, I was surprised that on TV shows they are pretty accurate, opening the meetings with the serenity prayers and the 12 steps. I felt like the AA was a non judgmental group, I suppose they would have to be, knowing that everyone who goes there is dealing with their own life situations that brought them to that place. I sat and listened to the guest speaker, he talked about his life growing up, his dad was an alcoholic and how he became an alcoholic. He went on to discuss how he thought he had everything a good job, and wife, a child, nice home, and cars. He slowly lost everything but during that part of his life he realized he liked drinking more then being married; he chose booze over all the other options in his life. He went on to say that it wasn�t really a choice but that it�s just what was. Throughout his life he was divorced twice, and lost all his material possessions. He thought he found happiness when he met another woman who liked to drink as much as he did, until she was diagnosed with liver disease and subsequently died. This was the beginning to turning point, it took loosing everything and living on the streets. Today he is now working, has in own apartment and has been clean for more then 5 years. My second realization was how many young people were there. Out of 25 people or so there were at least 6 people who were younger then 30. I knew that there was no age limit on alcoholism but I didn�t think that people that young would be there. There was a father son group there. The father spoke about his alcoholism and spoke how alcoholism is genetic, the son may be an alcoholic or he could just be there for an educational purpose and learn more about what runs in his family. Either way I again I was shocked that this father and son were working together with their issues wanting to ensure that they are healthy. I don�t know why exactly I�m shocked about that. Any woman, who has breast cancer that runs in their family, would go and get checked out and educate herself about the issue so why should it be any different for a person who has alcoholism running in their family. It just gave me something to think about while I sat there.
As I drove away from the meeting I realized that; addiction is a painful daily process. You are haunted by your past and fearful of your future knowing that you can only live in the moment and deal with the issues one moment at a time. I also realized that all my fears of not being welcome or being judged and worrying about what others thought no longer mattered. People were there to seek help and support for their own issues and weren�t worried about why I was there. They accepted that I was there because I wanted to be and needed to be, nothing more and nothing less. I thought that alcoholics were mean, belligerent, unhealthy people. I learned that these people are educated, hard workers, caring individuals who want to help others to succeed. I also overcame some of my fears, worrying about non acceptance. I have a greater respect for alcoholics, and I am saddened at the same time. I am sad that because of all the stereotypes that occur with alcoholism, the alcoholic is misunderstood, misrepresented and have to suffer a lifetime of regrets. I feel the same way I would feel towards a cancer patient. It isn�t fare! It�s not fare that they are sick and have a disease they can not control. In some aspects I am even more saddened for the alcoholic because they are stereotyped. Where most people would support and empathize with a cancer patient many people in society look down on the alcoholic like they are lesser of a person, for something they can no more control then the cancer patient."

So that was yesturday. Today we did some organizing and getting rid of junk. I got rid of 5 bags of clothes, tok them down to SallyAnn and then put out the the road a cot, computer, monitor, laptop, lamp, knick knacks and a box of odds and ends. All of which people took. The computers and monitor no longer works but hey people think they are getting something. As if my IT boyfriend would put anything remotely usable in the garbage. We have 3 more computers and monitor in the basement not being used. He plans on making TIVO's out of the computers. We cleaned the pipes in the sinks with the snake we bought and then went for supper.

I don't think I mentioned but we bought an awsome exercise bike the other night. It was an elderly lady selling the bike and she said it had hardly been used. We got the bike home and the odometer read 800km thats it. We paid $50 for this bike that does everything from measuring your pulse to the distance speed and time you have been riding. I will be going down to ride the bike in a few minutes. Anyways I suppose that is enough for now. Talk to you all Later ciao.




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