Yesterday was a huge heart ache for me. My placement as many people know is coming to an end. I am going to miss a lot of the clients. I really grew to enjoy them despite their issues. (criminal activity). Yesterday I spent most of the day crying and I had myself so upset I felt sick I thought I was going to pass out or at the very least vomit. I had to pause our meetings a few times because I was so upset. SO by now you are probably wondering what had me so upset.
Yesterday was my final evaluation. I went in at 9:30 when the meeting was to begin with the staff member who was reviewing my evaluation with me as my supervisor was on holidays since last week and won't be returning until Sept. The evaluation you should note was completed before she left. So here are some of the comments they made.
Barb is very efficient and takes pride in tasks that are given to her. All written tasks are completed in a professional manner. She is also very reliable as she is punctual and never misses work hours. Barb has learnt to be more flexible in moving from site to site and assisting the counsellors with their on going demands. Barb engages well with youth and believes in the process of change. Barb has also assisted in adding modules to our Daily Living Skills.
So that was the opening thinking wow that is awsome then we get to the 23 items that I was graded on.
1)Proffesional Responsibility = 9
2)poise and Self COntrol = 6.5 .......Bullshit they said they never put me through the real test of stress so they couldn't evaluate me enough to know.
3)Assertiveness = 7 ....Yep I need to work on it more I agree
4)Flexibility = 8 ...Ok I sorta agree
5) Personal Appearance = 10
6) Personal Presentation = 10
7) Effective in Planning = 8 ....... Ok everything always got done in time and with perfection so how I was only an 8 I don't know
8) Ability to assume responsibilty = 7.5 ......Well when you are working with people who are disorganized and don't know what they are doing until 5 minutes before they do it it is sort of impossible to take initiative when you don't know what it is they want.
9)Follows mission statement = 10
10) Uses Community Resources = 9 ..... Yeah I was not allowed to do referals so how was I to encorporate that into my learning.
11)Written communication skills accuracy/clarity = 9
12)Written communication skills prompty = 9
13)Asses client situation = 8
14) Maintain professional relationship = 8...they said no issues and it was very good but I only got an 8
15)Active Listening = 6.5 .... they said I had little opportunity to do this so they only gave me a 6.5..HMMMMMM
16) Appropriate response = 6 said I was never inappropriate but felt that it was only a 6
17)Clarifying statements = 6....ok again I didn't do much interviewing so I didn't get a chance to do this.
18) Info given in a caring manner = 7 UMMM yeah when was I not caring. I am totally caring and have never used any uncaring tones EVER
19)Summarization = 3 .......I hit the roof when I saw this. I was floored. Their explanaition was you never had the opportunity to do this. I was like then shouldn't you just say NOT APPLICABLE for which they changed it.
20) Contracting in an interview = 3 Again I hit the roof they didn't let me do interviews so they changed it to NOT APPLICABLE
21)Confrontation = N/A
22) Clear Demonstration of EMPATHY = 4.........I FREAKED everyone who has seen this has been floored by what they have seen.
23)Concretness = 6 ...I didn't disagree all that much
24) Empowerment. I totally and literally lost it at this point I wanted to be sick to my stomach = 4..My whole life has been dedicated to empowering people, by advocating for people who can not do that for themselves and providing them with choices that most people would think they shouldn't or couldnt have or make. and they give me that mark. I spent 10 years working with developmental clients and the entire focus is allowing them to make decisions for themselves no matter how big or small. At this point I had had it with the marking.
25)Professional Boundries I have huge issues with this, because I have always been known to be extremely professional and know where the boundries are. At the beginning of the placement I was told that I was coming off to cold and that the staff needed me to be more open and vulnerable. So I was to a degree within the boundries. Well during a supervision with my faculty member and my supervision I divulged some issues that I had which they asked me about. Apparently my mark on this category was a 5.5 because I broke the professional boundry. I partook in a task that made me feel very uncomfortable and I conquered a huge fear infront of all my coworkers and when I discussed it with them instead of being happy they feel that I over stepped my boundry. Keep in mind all these workers are close friends so I don't understand where I went wrong at first I was not open enough and then I am being penalized for doing exactly what they wanted.
The rest of my evaluation was fine mostly 8,9 and 10's but I was shocked, pissed off, frustrated and bewildered. My friends were shocked Jim was shocked, and other people who work in the building were shocked and saddened.
My faculty advisor told me she was changing my marks and she believed that the staff felt threatened by me as I was an excellent student, with a lot of experience. I am older than all of them. The only thing they could tell me is that the reason I didn't get higher marks is that only people who have been doing the job for 10-15 years would get 8's 9's and 10's. Which to me is CRAP. They said they wouldn't even give themselves 8's on things so there is no way they could give it to me. Well news flash if I deserve it then GIVE me what I deserve not what you think I shoudl get in comparison to YOU.
All this and all this time they told me I was doing well, not to worry that there would be no surprises on my evaluation adn that they would give me feedback through out the process well news flash no one ever told me I was doing anything wrong or that I was coming up short in some areas. Even the areas I apparently did poorly in is a bunch of crap cause I feel I did excellent and so does the faculty advisor. She was pissed and floored that none of these issues were discussed before. Anyways I am off to bed
So to leave this in a good note. Good night and wish me luck
Yesterday ||Tomorrow