Oct 23th
I want to say thanks to all who have prayed for me and my family. I had planned on going home on Wednesday to be with my family during this time and spend some time with my grandfather. I got a call today saying I needed to get home tonight. The call came at 2:30 this afternoon. I had my graduation tonight but I didn't go. I was on the 8pm plane the earliest one I could get on. I talked to my grandfather twice on my cell phone from the time I got the call till I caught my connector flight. Both times my mom who is a nurse said that his breathing would stop so that he could hear my voice and it appeared that he was hanging on for me to get there. I kept telling him that I was on my way. ANd his heart rate would pick back up. Sadly I didn't make it in time. He died about 30 minutes before my plane landed, My cousin was supposed to pick me up and take me to the hospital but when I walked in and saw my family standing there I totally lost it. People were looking at me sobbing and I didn't care. I toock about a good ten minutes for me to pull myself together. When I got home and saw my grandmother I lost it again and she just hugged me. I feel like I should have been here sooner and that is all I could keep telling them. I felt bad because I am not good with the words "I LOVE YOU" my family isn't good with the words but we show it in everything we do. I cried telling them that I felt bad that I hadn't told him I loved him on the phone and that I wanted to tell it to him when I saw him. My grandma told me that he knew I loved him and that he loved me. Anyways tomorow is a busy day I have to be here with the funeral director. And we decided some of the things we wanted to put in the casket. Some of which sounds silly but it is everything that meant something to him. One of the big things for me is my texas rabbit and the Toronto Maple Leafs, pendant he and I were die hard toronto fans and often we would watch the game together. We cheered and the entire neighborhood knew when they scored so it was important that those things be there. Anyways I need to go to bed it is an early day. I just wanted to give you guys an update and extend my my thanks to you all.
Oct 24
I think I am going to go and see a therapist when i get back to Ottawa. I just can't get passed the tremendous amount of guilt I feel for not being here when my "papa" died. I haven't stopped crying all day and it isn't because he died all I keep thinking is that I wasn't here. I didn't get to say good bye and I didn't tell him I loved him. I feel like my heart has been ripped out of my chest and I don't know if I will get it back. My mom is an only child so that makes me and my brother his only grandchildren. We had a special relationship with him. He alwasy called me Kissy Face and my brother Meat Man and that is what the newspaper reads. I just can't believe he is gone and it makes me feel sick. I missed out on so much. I put together 4 bristle boards of pictures to have displayed at the funeral home tonight. I was also given the honour of picking out the prayer cards and the poem/prayer insert. Anyways i have to get going. The next couple days are going to be rough.
Thanks for the prayers and well wishes. You are all so wonderful. Soon all this will be over and I can post happy stuff
Oct 28
Yesterday we buried my grandfather and as of my last post I was not feeling so well and thought that maybe I would have to go see a therapist. My mom was right that after the funeral I would probably feel better as I would have some closure and that is what happened. Not that yesterday was easy because infact it was probably one of the hardest things I have probably ever done. We went to the funeral home for the service and of course the family says their goodbyes and then anyone who would like to stay and be there for the casket closing can. Well I went up to my grandfather to say good bye and my aunt came with me and before I knew it I was hugging him and layed my head on his chest and cried into him telling him I loved him and that I was sorry I missed him and that he meant so much to me. I kissed his forehead, stroked his hair and said goodbye. Then took a step back.. A few other people said their good byes and then the funeral directors asked if we were ready, we said yes and we stood around holding each other while they removed his jewlery, tucked my bunny under his arm the way I would have slept with it, layed the toronto flag over his chest and placed the picture of Molly in his hands. They then lowered him into the casket which was when it struck me. I started sobbing again. then they closed the casket and I had to look away as I let out a big sobb. After the small service we drove to the cemetary where to our surprise my grandfather was being buried right beside his parents which was not planned and no one knew about it. We did request that he be buried near his family but didn't realize that it would be right beside them.
Since I wanted to stay while they lowered him into the ground. My dad stayed with me and my cousin and her husband. I took a rose that covered his casket and layed it on top of the casket in the ground while my dad picked up a handful of dirty and put it on the casket as well. I finally felt closure and I feel like I said my good byes and that he knows I love him. I dreamnt of him last night and he was happy healthy and not in any pain.
Yesterday was also my cousin's 30th birthday and there had been a party already planned and I needed to go out and I think that my grandfather would have wanted me to have a little fun. He was always really good that way. I needed to get out of the house and have a little fun. SO I went with my cousin and her friends and had soooo much fun. At first I felt a little odd because everyone knew each other and I didn't know my cousin's friends at all but I think I fit right in. We went to Kareoke and had a blast and for the first time I let loose and sang. I didn't care what anyone thought, I sucked and I know it but I had fun and I also danced a crazy line dance. When we left there were 7 of us cramed into a car that really only held 5. I had to lay across the legs of three guys in the back seat. And for the first time I wasn't afraid of squishing them. The house was just around the corner and the only reason we drove was because it had been raining and cold.
I WANTED TO POST PICS BUT THEY DON"T SEEM TO BE WORKING AS SOON AS THEY ARE I WILL POST THEM
Tomorrow I am going horse back riding and I will post pics from that experience. So enjoy cause I know I had a much needed good time last night.