I have been reading someone's journal for quite some time. I don't think she is aware at how often I read her writtings but I do. I think her words are elloquant and very well thought out and written down. I use her experiences as reflections of my own experiences. Even though many of our experiences are the same we are very different. The amazing thing I can see is that I see myself in her. How she feels how she expresses herself is very very much the way I do. If I didn't know any better I would think she was me.
SHEWHOWALKS is an amazing person and has over come so much. I can't help but to compare the similarities. The big event that I think has changed both our lives is that both her and I have gone through a painful seperation and divorce. Unlike her I do not have any children but I do long for them. I understand how precious her daughter is to her as though her daughter was my own. The name she chose to give her daughter is the very name I have chosen to give to my precious angel one day. Her and I have had to make some life changing decisions. We have both fallen in love with people we probably never should have and have fallen in love with the near impossible situations.
Today she writes how lonely she is even when surrounded by dozens of people. Even when I was married I was lonely I seperated I was lonely I surround myself with dozens of people I was lonely. It wasnt untill I found my centre and who I really was did I understand....understand what? you say. Well thats the hard part I can't explain, its just an understanding of ones self I suppose. Sure there are days where I am lonely and thats when I have to find my centre. I suppose you learn and understand that it isnt the numbers of people you are surrounded by but the quality of love that YOU surround yourself with.
Exceptance of one self and surrounding yourself with love is one key to fulfilling the emptiness.
I caught myself sitting at my computer room staring out the window at the trees. The leaves are opening. They are still baby leaves, DONT LAUGH. They arent buds and they arent full leaves and they are passed the opening stages. THe buds are open and the leaves are getting bigger every day. This I am filled with joy as I look at these leaves and then I catch myself reflecting, 6 years ago at this time we were preparing for a party of a lifetime. My wedding day, MAY 31 1998 my best friend the one I love with dream with and live for. Only that never really existed, I tried to make it happen. A couple months ago I would be saddened remembering this. Now I look back and it was an event and an experience I lived I conquered and I learned from. Nothing to be sad about. I still have myself and my family, and love. SO this year I have decided to have another party on May 31 2004 we are partying to the new me. We are celebrating with music and dance bbq lets not forget booze and all our friends and relatives. TO a new beginning to a new me to a new love to a new life.
SHEWHOWALKS it only gets better with time. Love yourself, and everything else will follow.
Yesterday ||Tomorrow