Yesturday was an emotional day. I had an appointment with my counsellor/therapist. You know trying to get past soooo many years of abuse from my peers. You would think I am not an adult so how can I let what happened when I was a kid affect me. Well its amazing cause it still haunts me. Little things can set it off. But it is amazing how much of your childhood you carry with you and how much of how you were treated as a kid makes you who you are as an adult.
I could be feeling good about myself and then WHAM a little thing triggers a memory a feeling something. The other day we were at walmart. Standing at the check out waiting for my total a couple were standing behind me, a man probably atleast in his thirties and woman atleast inher twenties. They didnt think I could hear them but I did. Making rude comments about me, you know the typical weight comments and she was killing herself laughing.
I ignored it like I always do, but as my therapist says it affected me to the point I screwed up on my debit card. THE MAN hadnt heard the comments the couple made. So his comment to me because i was holding up the line was "SURE HOLDING EVERYONE ELSE UP!" Of course he was joking just trying to lighten the situation as the couple were irritated. I looked at him and then at them and responded with "I really dont care they can wait" I was very cold and to the point with it and I believe the woman got the message that I heard what they had been saying. THE MAN on the other hand was like "OK THEN" and backed off. On the way I told him what had happened and he responded with "I thought something was going on, cause that certainly isnt like you" That just one example of many things that I put up with on a daily basis.
My therapist asked me if things like that actually happen I responded with every day, almost anytime I go out, there will always be atleast one person that is insensitive and makes rude remarks.
We are talking about the rage I have been feeling. A couple weeks ago after going to the clinic and asking/begging for help some help any help with the pain after falling and aggrivating the already herniated disks in my back and being told to have a nice day and being walked out on after I was clearly upset and distraut, it sent me over the edge.
There are no words to describe how I felt. I was beyond, sad, mad, angry. I was beyond frustrated. I was feeling pure RAGE. I sat in my car and for a brief 5 minutes shook, i had to restrain myself and refrain from putting my keys in the ignition. Had I started my car at that point I would have driven my car through the clinic wall and then asked them if they would now be able to help me. My therapist says that I felt that way because of all the years of abuse as a kid from my peers and no one helping me that I have been burying these feelings and now being turned away again was jsut the final straw that broke the camels back.
I told my therapist how I feel that the only time im gonna get any help is if I wrap my car around a tree. Dont be mistaken its not that I want to hurt myself, on the contrary I want someone to help me and no one is doing anything. For two years I have had chronic back pain. Then in November it starts with neck and shoulder pain. Pain isnt even the word to describe the pain I felt. Just to put it in perspective, When I totally shattered my right elbow and had reconstructive surgery and lost 30% mobility of my arm and spent 1 year in intensive physio. That pain was like a trip to disney land. I would gladly shatter my arm, go through surgery and physio to replace the pain I feel from my back neck shoulder.
Instead all I get is, your fat and once you lose the weight you will feel better. SO I guess untill then I have to endure the pain and weeks of no sleep. Because heaven forbid a doctor actually does their job and tries to get to the end of this. It woudl be different if the doctors actually did something and then came to the conclusion that it is the weight. I am anxious to see after I lose my weight if the pain gets any better. If it doesnt I am going to shove it in everyone of their faces and then raise all hell.
So the short of it all is that. With my therapist we are startign to get intot he rage issues I have. To recognize and own the pain I have gone through, tare it down and rebuild myself back up.
Anyways onto my song that I want to put in here. Anyways after my appointment yesturday I came home and heard this song. I started crying because so much I felt like this song. It's a story song about a woman who is superficially looked at by her hometown as a woman with "a colorful past" with "something to hide" but they didn't see the woman's inner beauty. The woman realized potential in many children that were seen as castoffs by others: Basically I dont have children but I have definately been judged superficially by others and not for who I am for what I have to offer.
STAINED GLASS WINDOW
Fall leaves are at their brightest
Then they die and hit the ground
They remind me of Maggie Cyrus
The joke of our home town
Behind her back, people would laugh
All her kids had different dads
They made up what they didn�t know
So busy throwing stones
It�s a sin to break a stained glass window
Just because your eyes cant see inside
They said she had a colourful past
But she cast a holy rainbow
They all thought she had something to hide.
They weren�t standing on the other side
Of that stained glass window
I used to stay at her house
Her kids were my best friends
Including me I couldn�t count
All the strays that she took in
She saw diamonds through the dirt
Raised us up, like we were hers
All the neighbours raised their brows
They never figured out
It�s a sin to break a stained glass window
Just because your eyes cant see inside
They said she had a colourful past
But she cast a holy rainbow
They all thought she had something to hide
They weren�t standing on the other side
Of that stained glass window
Preacher told the story
When Maggie passed away
Said when I was a kid, I was standing here
When she came by to pray
I was angry and confused
I had a rock and an attitude
This very window is still here
Cause she whispered through her tears
It�s a sin to break a stained glass window
Just because your eyes cant see inside
They said she had a colourful past
But she cast a holy rainbow
They all thought she had something to hide
Oh but in her eyes I always saw the light
Of that stained glass window.